User talk:Pastalover68
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:21, March 30, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story There are quite a bit of grammatical ("This... thing is called The Eraser, and very few know about it's (sic) existence, but from what little information there is, this is what I've pieced together."), overly complex sentences that run on ("This obsession eventually spirals down into downright insanity with the victims taking shelter but unlike the paranoia stage, the victims start hallucinating a tall man covered in shadows, none can make out details other than a distinct human and yet alien shape, but all victims can't sleep, fearing that this thing will come for them if they ever close their eyes for more than a millisecond, those who bought firearms discharging them whenever they see it"), redundancies ("The entity known as The Eraser seems to feed off of the people who know about him, not actively going after them but just giving them the feeling that they're being watched, victims of The Eraser start becoming paranoid, feeling that something is after them, most chalk it down to aliens or the government, but whatever the excuse is, it's enough to make them afraid." Really avoid stating the same name multiple times in the same sentence.), and capitalization issues ("one? what if I can stop this monster before it hurts anyone else?"), but a majority of the problems can be found in the plot issues in the story. Starting with the basics, if the Eraser is capable of vanishing people without a trace, it feels off that records would be left behind ("employers suddenly notice a name in the employee roster that seemingly wasn't there before and get rid of it, official records eventually being wiped because to everyone, that person never existed, so why keep records about a person who was never born?"). This just feels added in to solve the issue of 'if the Eraser removes people from existence, how do we know about it?' and it really doesn't gel with the rest of the story. It seems odd that no one else would know about this entity except the protagonist who has a wealth of information on this creature's methodology despite the fact that no one's survived after seeing it (more on that below). The ending also needs quite a lot of work. The protagonist interrupted while writing out the story feels like a stretch. ("I tried my damnedest to kill it, and if I can I'll tear it apa- There's something behind me. God help me.") It works in Lovecraftian stories as the protagonist has nothing left to do but write. Here it feels more like the protagonist is writing a bio for the CPC and then they're killed (it also doesn't really explain how this information got posted either if they were obliterated mid-sentence.) There isn't even really a sense of story for how they got in this predicament or how truly horrifying the concept is which really drains a lot of the tension out of the story. The story feels more like a vehicle for introducing the Eraser to the audience and not much of an attempt at telling an involving story with characters the audience is interested in. Finally, the premise of something stalking and erasing the protagonist from existence has been covered before (I deleted a few stories recently with a similar concept) and this one really doesn't build much on the idea. Instead of giving the audience a sense of dread/terror that the protagonist is going to be erased, the protagonist just gives the basics for the monster despite the audience not knowing how he has this information. If the Eraser always gets their target, how is all this information about the stages of attack being disseminated. I'm sorry, but this story really needs quite a bit of work due to the mechanical errors and the plot issues. There are other issues present, but I think this is a good enough starting point for now. I suggest that if you plan on making a deletion appeal that you take this to the writer's workshop after heavily revising it and being prepared to re-work the idea from the ground up. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:22, April 7, 2017 (UTC) :No problem, here's a copy of the story. That being said, the issues still stand and the story should not be re-uploaded. Doing so will result in a temporary ban. This is more for safekeeping. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:22, April 7, 2017 (UTC)